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Labels: comedy
Oct 31, 2008 6:51 pm US/EasternLabels: comedy
Labels: jokes
State police say an upstate New York college campus policeman was helping himself to free pastries at a local convenience store.
The Valero Nice N Easy offers free coffee to any police officer in uniform.
Sgt. Steve Brody of the Morrisville State College University Police stopped daily to buy a newspaper and pick up a free cup of coffee. He also routinely stuffed a pastry into his coat.
Brody is now accused of taking about $30 worth of pastries over at least 17 separate occasions.
Brody, 55, of Morrisville, was ticketed for petit larceny. Troopers say they have surveillance videos.
Brody and his defense attorney declined to comment. Brody remains an employee at Morrisville; school officials say the case is a personnel matter and refused further comment.
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LOS LUNAS, NM – Federal Agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives raided an underground warehouse used to stage alien cock fighting.
The palm-sized alien race, Qwoak, have used earth roosters for generations in vicious fighting tournaments that result in the death of all but the winning rooster and their handler.
Unlike traditional cock fighting, a Qwoak actually rides the rooster into battle, giving its life alongside its steed should the animal fall in battle.
Three dozen roosters were rescued from the fighting ring although it is reported at least 4 will have to be euthanized do to their hostility. Seven Los Lunas men and one woman were arrested for participating in organized gambling and cruelty to animals. Under regulations laid out in treaties with the Qwoak, authorities would not release the number of Qwoak arrested in the raid.
Relations between the United States and the Qwoak may be heading into turbulent territory as this is the second controversy in so many days involving the Qwoak and illegal activities.
Reports of tampering in the Presidential Debate Tuesday night has already drawn unwanted attention to the usually reclusive alien nation.
Labels: comedy
MIAMI – Asha Mandela has hair that could rival Rapunzel's. The South Florida woman who started growing her hair 20 years ago now has locks longer than she is tall.
Mandela has submitted her hair, which measure 8 feet 9 inches long, to the Guinness Book of World Recordsfor the Longest Dreadlocks, the first entry in a new category.
It takes one bottle of shampoo and one bottle of conditioner every time she washes her hair and can sometimes take days to fully dry after she washes it.
The 46-year-old Mandela says she "used to wash it three times a week. Now I do it once a week. It's very tiring. Sometimes I don't have the energy."
Labels: comedy
Have your friends told you should try standup comedy?
This fall, we will be offering a six-week standup comedy workshop, which will end with a live performance on stage at the club in front of a live audience.
This class is not only for aspiring comedians, but also for anyone who would like to improve their confidence and public speaking.
The class will consist of 6 two-hour sessions, a one-hour private, and a graduation performance. It will cover creating a comedy character, writing material, stage presence, and microphone technique.
The cost is $350 for the entire class and it will be a blast.
Call us for the start date.
(805) 644-1500
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A man sued along with Jay Leno over a car dealer has killed himself.
Dennis Ricca shot himself in the head, according to the New York Post, days after a Macy's heir filed a lawsuit claiming Ricca, Leno and others "knowingly participated in certain unlawful purported auctions and sales" of two cars owned by the heir. Leno got one of the vehicles -- a 1931 Duesenberg, worth $1.2 mil. Ricca got the Rolls valued at half a mil.
A mourner told The Post, "That did it to him," referring to the lawsuit.
John Straus, the Macy's heir, claims he kept the cars in a garage managed by Ricca's company. Straus was $20,000 behind in storage fees but says he paid the money. Nevertheless, according to the suit, the garage unlawfully auctioned off the car.
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EXCLUSIVE
Wednesday, October 22nd 2008, 8:28 AM
A gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexually harassing two male sergeants and creating a lewd, hostile work environment, the Daily News has learned.
Lt. Kieran Crowe, 50, denied the allegations, and blamed his behavior on "jock itch."
Sgts. Dominic Coppola and Sean Gallagher filed an internal complaint against Crowe in 2004, when all three men worked at the Office of Equal Employment Opportunity at Police Headquarters. They also sued the city and the NYPD inManhattan Federal Court.
The sergeants said Crowe, a 23-year NYPD veteran, simulated masturbating and wiggled his tongue at them in a sexually suggestive manner in the 12th-floor office which, ironically, investigates harassment in the .workplace.
Crowe's lawyers called as a witness a dermatologist, who said Crowe was treated for a body rash and jock itch between 2001 and 2004, records show.
Trial commissioner John .Grappone rejected that argument. In a ruling issued over the summer, Grappone said no medical condition warrants "extensive staring at crotches, masturbation gestures, tongue gestures and sighing sounds."
Crowe admitted he made stroking motions with his hand while talking on the phone, "making a whistling gesture and moving his fist . . . in an outward and up and down motion."
Crowe explained that away by saying, "I might be getting jerked around on the phone, or that I was going to stroke someone."
Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly signed off on a penalty in which Crowe was suspended for 60 days and placed on dismissal probation. That means he can be fired for any misbehavior over the next year.
Coppola, a 17-year veteran, and Gallagher, who's been in the NYPD 18 years, have since been transferred to the Police Academy.
Their lawyer said the decision not to fire Crowe shows that the NYPD's disciplinary process is flawed.
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TMZ sources close to "SNL" tell us the show has been scrambling like crazy to get Mark Wahlberg on tonight's episode.
Wahlberg was pissed beyond words at "SNL" for doing a sketch called "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals," and has ranted that he wants to kick Andy Samberg's ass. Now the show is trying to turn Mark's hard feelings into a ratings booster. No word yet if Wahlberg is going to comply.
Marky Mark should really relax. More people watched that sketch than the entire box office run of "The Happening."
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By Jennifer Lawinski
FOXNews.com
Thursday, October 16, 2008

April 1, 2008: John McCain appears on "The Late Show With David Letterman" in this file photo. (Reuters)
John McCain is slated to return to "Late Show With David Letterman" Thursday night, but should the onetime media favorite be preparing for an ambush?
A study shows the Kings of Late Night are not equal-opportunity destroyers this year when it comes to telling jokes about the candidates for president and vice president -- they're hammering Republicans a stunning seven times more often than they skewer Democrats.
The Center for Media and Public Affairs, a media analysis group, kept a tally of jokes told about the presidential contenders on the "Late Show" and "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" in the five weeks after McCain chose Sarah Palin to be his running mate and vaulted the little-known Alaska governor into the national spotlight.
The total: Republicans, 286. Democrats, 42.
"Generally the Republicans get targeted much more often than Democrats, but this election is driving it off the charts," said CMPA Executive Director Donald Rieck.
Letterman and Leno told 106 jokes about McCain and 180 about Palin in the 25 shows that aired between Aug. 29, when McCain chose her, and Oct. 2, the date of the vice presidential debate.
Click here to see photos of McCain in the late-nite hot seat.
Barack Obama, who may be Leno's guest next week, was targeted only 26 times -- barely once a night. His gaffe-prone running mate, Joe Biden, who is scheduled to appear on Leno Thursday night, was hit only 16 times, not even one-tenth the number of jokes told about Palin over the five-week period.
McCain's date with Letterman Thursday comes weeks after he canceled a scheduled appearance in September that left the late-night comedian hopping mad.
The Republican candidate canceled his appearance so he could go to Washington to deal with the economic crisis. While recording his show, Letterman learned that McCain was still in New York, doing an interview on the CBS Evening News, and he spent much of his show skewering the Republican who stood him up.
Palin also has taken a big hit from the late-night comedians -- and from Saturday Night Live, where Tina Fey's parody of the vice presidential candidate has skyrocketed the show's ratings. It is rumored that Palin will make an appearance on SNL on Oct. 25.
"Palin's just a bonanza for these guys," said Rieck. "You have a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter; whether she's a Democrat or Republican, that's just a bonanza. Biden's kind of boring compared to that, isn't he?"
Obama is almost as boring to comedians as Biden, said Robert Thompson, director of the Center for the Study of Popular Television at Syracuse University.
"He is kind of a comedian's worst nightmare," Thompson said. "He doesn't do anything. He doesn't fall down like Gerald Ford did. He's not filled with scandal and isn't a sexual player like Clinton was. He doesn't misspell words like Dan Quayle did.
"The size of his ears is about all they have to work with."
Tim Graham, director of media analysis for Media Research Center, a conservative watchdog group, said the comedians' tendency to avoid mocking Obama comes from a fear of being called racist.
"There is a racial minefield that they're trying to avoid," Graham said. "I think they see Obama as a historic figure, and because he's a historic figure it's like making jokes about Martin Luther King."
Palin, like President Bush, has been pegged as dumb by the comedians, Graham said.
"All of the prejudices that the liberal media elite have towards the hockey mom from Alaska are clearly coming through with these New York-based and LA-based comedians, probably as strong as or more strongly than they're coming across in the news media," he said.
Should Obama win the presidency, his get-out-of-jokes-free card from the late-night comedians will expire, said Thompson, leaving him just as vulnerable as McCain and Palin have been during the election.
"He is by no means a comedian's dream-come-true the way Bill Clinton was," he said. "But you can't be in that office without delivering material people can work with.
"I am convinced that when comedians die and go to heaven, Bill Clinton is still president. When Monica Lewinsky came along, the jokes wrote themselves."
Labels: comedy
Labels: comedy
The curtains have been pulled back on mega-producer Brian Grazer's divorce battle -- and let's just say working with Opie sure does pay.
According to docs filed by estranged wife Gigi's accountant, Grazer's cash haul per year is $28 million, 13 mil of which came from just his production co. salary. The rest comes from "corporate distributions ... perquisites ... as well as interest and dividend income." That's a lotta skinny black ties.
Gigi is asking for nearly a million per month in child and spousal support ($988,184), including a grand per month for "furniture and appliance replacement" at their Hawaii house. She spends $7K for "fine art" every month ... just for their San Remo pad. But here's the good news for Brian -- she's only asking for $42 a month to clean the New York pad.
BTW: Who knew there was a computer program called DissoMaster to chop up marital assets? Brilliant.
Labels: tv
NEW YORK (AP) -- As Marcia Brady on "The Brady Bunch," Maureen McCormick projected an image of the wholesome girl next door. But off camera, she spiraled downward into drug addiction and depression.

Maureen McCormick was 14 when "The Brady Bunch" debuted on ABC, running from 1969 to 1974.
Now 52, McCormick writes about her struggles in a new memoir, "Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice," hitting stores Tuesday.
She discusses her romance with TV sibling Barry Williams, her dates with Michael Jackson and Steve Martin, cocaine binges and parties at the Playboy Mansion and the home of Sammy Davis Jr., an unwanted pregnancy and trading sex for drugs.
McCormick was 14 when "The Brady Bunch" debuted on ABC, running from 1969 to 1974.
Despite her role as a sunny Miss Perfect, she struggled privately with anxiety and insecurity, the youngest of four children born to a mercurial father who abused and cheated on their mother.
"As a teenager, I had no idea that few people are everything they present to the outside world," she writes in the book, published by William Morrow. "Yet there I was, hiding the reality of my life behind the unreal perfection of Marcia Brady. ... No one suspected the fear that gnawed at me even as I lent my voice to the chorus of Bradys singing, `It's a Sunshine Day."'
When "The Brady Bunch" ended, she took up a hard-partying lifestyle in Hollywood, using drugs including cocaine and Quaaludes.
She struggled to regain her earlier success, landing some TV and movie roles, but developed a reputation for unreliability due to her addiction, even botching an interview with Steven Spielberg because she was high.
After interventions, stints in rehab and experimental therapies, McCormick began getting sober in 1985 when she married actor Michael Cummings, with whom she has a daughter, Natalie. She continued to fight depression through therapy, medication and the help of "Brady" cast mates.
McCormick, who is also a singer, starred on the Country Music Television reality series "Gone Country" and "Outsider's Inn."
She also confronted her weight issues several years ago as the winning contestant on the VH1 reality show "Celebrity Fit Club."
As for her iconic role, "I'll always be struck by how much a part of people's lives Marcia is and always will be. But now I'm not bothered by the connection. It took most of my life, countless mistakes and decades of pain and suffering to reach this point of equanimity and acceptance," she says.
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In a message sent to members late Thursday, SAG president Alan Rosenberg and national exec director Doug Allen told members that the national board will meet next weekend on the question of whether to conduct a strike authorization over SAG's master contract on features and primetime. If the national board approves, the leaders said than SAG will then need 30 to 45 days to hold such a vote among members.
"If 75% of the qualified SAG members who vote in the referendum support the strike authorization, only then can the national board of directors call an actual work stoppage, should the board decide that it has become necessary to do so," Rosenberg and Allen said in the missive.
The duo noted that it was "important" to note that if passed by a majority of the national board, the resolution does not call a strike. "It only provides for a membership referendum to be conducted, which will take approximately 30 to 45 days," they said.
In a response issued Friday, the congloms took issue with the assertion by Rosenberg and Allen that the authorization wouldn't lead to a strike.
"SAG negotiators seem determined to force another unnecessary, harmful strike," the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers said. "Why else would SAG negotiators be unreasonably insisting, at a time of national economic collapse, on a better deal that the one achieved by the other
Hollywood Guilds much earlier this year, during much better economic times?"
The notice is the guild's first official notification of members of a possible timeline for a strike. However, it's uncertain whether SAG's national board will support sending out the strike authorization when it meets on Oct. 18.
Rosenberg and Allen noted that SAG’s negotiating committee passed a resolution on Oct. 1 urging the national board to take a strike authorization vote -- even though the negotiating committee had the power to initiate the vote on its own.
Instead, the committee deferred the matter to the national board, where control shifted last month away from the Hollywood-based Membership First faction, led by Rosenberg, to a less assertive coalition composed of reps from the New York and regional branches and the upstart Unite for Strength faction.
Unite for Strength, which gained enough Hollywood seats to give the moderates a one-vote edge, hasn't yet revealed whether it will support the call for a strike authorization vote. During its campaign, Unite for Strength asserted that Membership First had bungled the negotiations by alienating the American Federation of Television & Radio Artists, which saw its members ratify AFTRA's primetime deal in July over SAG's objections.
Rosenberg and Allen also noted that a strike would not impact work on the more than 750 indie features that have been given waivers -- or guaranteed completion contracts -- under which producers who aren't repped by the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers agree to adhere to whatever deal SAG signs with the AMPTP. SAG began giving waivers months before the June 30 expiration of the contract so significant numbers of those projects have already been shot.
The AMPTP has blasted SAG’s efforts to move toward a strike authorization on two fronts. They've pointed out that SAG continues to seek sweeter terms than the WGA, DGA and AFTRA and that it's doing so with the world in a financial crisis.
SAG and the AMPTP have not met since July 16. Allen insists that informal negotiations have been taking place since then -- an assertion that's been explicitly and repeatedly denied by the majors.
For its part, SAG announced Sept. 29 that it wanted to resume talks after highlighting three issues as keys to reaching a deal -- payment for repeats via Web streaming of made-for-Internet productions; SAG jurisdiction for all made-for-Internet productions; and maintaining the force majeure provision in the expired master contract.
But AMTP president Nick Counter said the same day that further talks would be not be productive as long as SAG’s positions remained unchanged from their last face-to-face meeting in July.
"The DGA, WGA and AFTRA reached agreement on comparable terms months ago, during far better economic times, and it is unrealistic for SAG negotiators now to expect even better terms during this grim financial climate," the AMPTP warned on Oct. 1. " This is the harsh economic reality, and no strike will change that reality."
The AMPTP's calculator on its Web site estimated as of Friday that SAG members have lost over $23.3 million in gains they would have achieved over the past three and a half months had the majors' final offer been ratified.
Labels: SAG
Never mind "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," the most welcome Comedy Central program this election season just might be "South Park."
The series has been on a roll for the past four/five seasons, and whether turning an alien invasion into an examination of immigration, or leprechauns into targets of terrorism, "South Park" has been presenting relatively reasoned examinations of cultural issues.
Until, perhaps, last night. "South Park" has missed out on skewering this summer's pop-culture events, and last night, the episode was on the attack. As dark and twisted as "The Dark Knight" was, "South Park" was just as aggressively over the top.
Returning with new episodes as part of its 12th season, "South Park" didn't level its aim at presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain (fingers are crossed for such an episode to be forthcoming). Instead, the series had Hollywood heavyweights George Lucas and Steven Spielberg directly in sights.
Oh, there was also a paranoid Cartman convinced that China's Olympic opening ceremony telegraphed an attack on the United States, but Cartman's mockery of Chinese stereotypes was almost an afterthought afterMatt Stone and Trey Parker completely dismantled the worldwide hit "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."
"We all saw it happen," says the handicapped Jimmy, discussing "The Crystal Skull" as if it's a personal tragedy. "Do you remember that scene with Indiana in the refrigerator? It didn't make any sense, Stan."
From there, an excited Stan sits down to watch the latest film in a dream sequence/nightmare, but soon has to warn Indiana Jones that Spielberg and Lucas are nearby. And then in a series of film parodies, Indy's pants come off.
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Roseanne is an American sitcom broadcast on ABC from 1988 to 1997 starring stand-up comedian Roseanne Barr. The show portrayed a working-classfamily struggling to get by on a limited income in the fictional town of Lanford, Illinois. Many critics considered the show notable as one of the first sitcoms to portray an American family in which economics necessitated two parents working jobs outside the home.[1][2][3] For many years, Roseanne tackledtaboo subjects or joked about issues that most other popular shows at the time avoided, such as poverty, alcoholism, drug use, sex, menstruation,teenage pregnancy, masturbation, obesity, race, class identity, domestic violence and homosexuality. The show was also significant for its portrayal offeminist ideals including a female-dominated household, an overweight female lead whose likability didn't rely on her appearance, relationships between female characters that were cooperative rather than competitive, and females openly expressing themselves without negative consequences.
Roseanne was hugely successful from its beginning, spending its first six seasons among the Nielsen Ratings' top five highest-rated shows. The show's success inspired television networks to offer a rash of sitcom deals to stand-up comedians, a practice that continued for years afterwards. During its seventh season, the show's ratings dropped, but it still managed to remain among the Nielsen Ratings' top ten highest-rated shows. It was only during the show's ninth and final season, when the show's storyline drifted away from its original premise, that Roseanne dropped below the Nielsen Ratings' top thirty highest-rated shows.
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(Andrea Comas/Reuters)
Sabina Guzzanti's comedy routine has fallen foul of Italian laws prohibiting insults to the Pope
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WASILLA, AK - Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.
A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.
The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska. Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.
Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species. Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.
Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture. Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.
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BOSTON - A women's shelter on Wednesday cut headliner Sandra Bernhard from its annual benefit after she said Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be gang-raped if she ever visited New York.
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Bernhard's made the remarks last month during her one-woman show in Washington before Palin visited New York to campaign. Bernhard said Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers" during a diatribe in which she also criticized Palin for opposing abortion rights.
Many guests at Rosie's Place, a Boston shelter, have been victims of violence, public relations director Leemarie Mosca said.
"In light of our mission, we don't think violence against women is a laughing matter," she said.
Mosca said the shelter expected to book a replacement before the Oct. 16 luncheon "Funny Women ... Serious Business."
"Right now, our main focus is our event and making sure the event is a success," Mosca said. "And for us, that means not including Sandra Bernhard at this time."
A representative for Bernhard had no immediate comment on the cancellation.
In a statement on her Web site, Bernhard said the gang-rape comment was part of a larger piece from her show about "racism, freedom, women's rights, and the extreme views of Gov. Sarah Palin _ a woman who doesn't believe that other women should have the right to choose."
"I certainly wish Gov. Palin no harm _ I'd just like her to explain to me how she can hold such outrageous views ... and then go back to Alaska," she said.
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LONG BEACH, Calif. - A California woman accused of driving her teenage son and his friends to confront a rival gang insists she didn't plan for a 13-year-old boy to die in the fight.
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Eva Daley is charged with first-degree murder in the stabbing death of Jose "Bobby" Cano near a Long Beach skate park in June 2007. One of the teens she drove is being tried with her and is accused of killing the victim.
Daley testified Tuesday she did not know until the next day that Cano was killed and insists she did nothing wrong. She also denied knowing beforehand that Cano had stabbed her son a few months earlier.
Closing arguments begin Wednesday. Daley's son and four other youths pleaded guilty to manslaughter and were sentenced as juveniles.
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