Madman
In the beginning, as it was told, Mike, was born on old Route 66 in the back of a Turnip truck. One day, the gods came down and shoved a golden shot glass full of whiskey in baby Mike's mouth. A few minutes later he fell off the Turnip truck (A foreshadowing of his life) and was rescued by a patch of wild strawberries. When Mike was eleven, he was arrested for a bogus baseball card scam and sentenced to watch Full House and Family Matters under house arrest. And to re-educate the bastard back into society, the government forced Mike to read the entire Amy Fisher autobiography (The true story in her own words and not some other book full of bullshit and lies!) cover to cover. Everyone knew his brain would become warped and a life of crime was sure to follow. If he was lucky, he might be able to get a job as a security guard or licking stamps.
After being paroled from the David Hasslehoff correctional facility, Mike went on a rampage of felonious crimes. There was no stopping the poor boy! He ripped off mattress tags and refused to rewind his movie rentals. He yelled in libraries and took more than one newspaper out of the news rack. He refused to hold onto the escalator railings and stole a shopping cart, twice. He smoked in restaurants, slept on park benches, and tore pages out of telephone books. He refused to pay his Columbia House CD club account and never signaled when changing lanes. He recklessly jaywalked everywhere he went and committed twenty seven felony counts of not recycling his beer cans. He was a wanted man! Living each day under his secret identity, Phillip J. Armbuckle. It was so secret that even Mike himself didnt know what the J. stood for!
He was wanted by the CIA, FBI, PTA, NFL, and the NRA.
One day, after playing a wicked game of ding-dong-ditch, Mike saw his reflection in a puddle of cough syrup. He knew right then and there that he was a very, very, bad person. All washed up at such a tender age. However, since that Turnip truck accident oh-so-long-ago, Mike had believed that the spirit of a Jersey trucker lived inside him.
A week later (while hiding out as a roady for Slayer) the gods once again took pity on Mike and worked their crazy magic. Mike was busy break dancing when the Mary Kay cosmetic lady knocked on his trailer door. She told Mike that he had won the pie of the month award for his essay on what it was like to be a carrot. Mike thought he was the luckiest bastard in the world. In the whole world! It was his favorite pie too! A rum custard, lemon, corn, cherry, dirt pie! He ate the whole pie in five seconds and passed out. The Mary Kay lady had to give Mike CPR because he seemed to be choking on something. She punched him repeatedly in the back and pulled a solid gold pen out of M K's throat that had been lodged in there since birth.
Thus began the journey of the American Poet! Mike wrote so much crap with that gold pen that the Governor of Tennessee couldn't stop wondering what the hell was wrong with the boy. He felt so sorry for Mike that he gave him a full pardon. The Mary Kay lady felt so bad for saving Mike's life that she went nuts and Mike married her just for her money. Only in America!